Friday, November 11, 2005

Is Wayne Brady going to have to choke a bitch?

What does the title have to do with this? Maybe it will be clear by the end. I warn you: this will be a long, protracted rant, and if you plan to read it all, I thank you. Even if these words fall on deaf ears, it feels good to vent.

I don't think there's anything that pisses me off more than a martyr. They're just not good news, ever.

So with all the chaos abound in my life these days, with my shitty ass time-monopolizing job, AND going to school full time, AND being a parent, AND having a bad back that I'm about to have surgery on and hurts so bad that I have potent narcotics seeping into my bloodstream 24/7, it might be really easy to start crying and whining like a girl and maybe drum up a little sympathy, but the fact is that I'm chugging along, just trying to get through it all and come out on top. So with another hard-ass lab practical fast approaching, I decided to take 4 days off next week so that I can devote myself to school. No job to stay at all damn day, no Air Force monopolizing those scraps of spare time I might have with their bullshit, be it a uniform inspection (by the way, what the FUCK! I'm not in basic training! Get a life!) or getting a 30-minute fire extinguisher demonstration from a man-hating bull dyke (next Friday, I shit you not. E-mail me for directions if you wanna fill my spot.) I will be able to just concentrate on what I feel is important. I'm low on leave after being deceived into burning two weeks on the false premise that I was actually going to get medically discharged , but I figured what the hell, 4 days of leave is worth a better grade. And plus, it's my leave to take, right?

Wrong, mutha fucka! In typical fashion of the office I'm trapped in, my request to take leave erupts into a full-blown shitstorm. Did it need to? No. Why did it then? What was the fucking problem, you ask? The problem, AHEM!, was a bonafide, grade-A MARTYR.

This fine specimen, a female service member whose specifics I will omit, has to be the most unstable, craziest fucking bitch I have ever had to deal with. Not only is she corrosively evil, but she's unpredictable too. One minute, she will be pleasant, trying to get people to interact with her (but they're all still cowering from her previous episodes) and then, out of nowhere, she comes unhinged. For no reason, she suddenly pops up like an al-Qaeda sleeper agent, with a new set of orders: martyrdom. Not only is she going to be mad as hell and treat you like shit, she's going to be the victim. And it's all your fault. Welcome to my life these days. I'm the guy that's ruining HER life. What my latest transgression? Taking leave.

It seems that by asking for leave, I was putting myself before "the team" because this nutty ho had already arranged to take time off and didn't bother to let anyone know. So instead of rationally dealing with the situation, she goes apeshit, and pulls the whole, "No, I'll cancel mine, just let him go" bullshit. Fine by me. I don't play those games. I don't know what it is about military females, but they're fucking nuts. I learned this the hard way, by dating one (and only one.) My theory is none of them were treated right by their daddies, and so they go into the military, which apparently fosters their skewed worldview quite well.

So what does the title have to do with this? As portrayed in a Chappelle's Show skit, Wayne Brady obviously has his bitches in check. I can only dream....


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